Wednesday, December 14, 2011

 I  am happy. I have found peace. I say this with awe and conviction. If you asked me last year if I was happy, the answer would have taken me some time to answer as happiness is fleeting. At least my history has taught me so. Two years ago I was numb and tired of being so very unhappy. I was empty. Three years ago, I was  bereft and lost of hope. My heart was raw, scraping for a lifeline to cling to. 
Now, as I sit here re-reading this Blog that I started as away to put words to my thoughts.. to find some connection to anyone, anything to give me direction. I was looking up and sideways and every which way but in.
I have now looked in. In my heart and finally found my light. My light of strength of conviction and my light of hope.
I took my future in my hands two and half years ago. I quit waiting for life to happen, I made my life take a new direction, with full adult superpowers and started to create my own future...

My dear friend and sage said that if I changed the way I acted, others would adapt and change around me. I did not believe her. But it worked. I quit being afraid and started being brave. (I pretended till it was true). These adult super powers can be used for good. I changed my life and others adapted. I held my boundaries and expectations and they adapted. I reached and stretched and suffered but here I am three years later after days of misery and defeat... happy. Who would have thought?

I can't wait for my children to return from school for the holidays. I can't wait to hear their footsteps on the stairs and the mindless bickering of siblings... I can't wait to give my dear son his hug that makes me feel so very proud that this boy is mine. How very lucky I am to have had the privilege of being his mom. And my darling daughter, to listen to her  go on about nothing and everything as she explores her new life as a new adult... I am so proud I moved beyond fear and unhappiness and rescued us. All of us.
My new challenge is shame..It is one of my newly identified shadows. It creeps up behind me when I am not looking and makes me feel unworthy. Unworthy of the greatness in my life. Unworthy of the wonders of love. But the funny thing is with shadows. Once you bring them to the light... they are not so scary or powerful. Shame -be-warned-- I am on to you.

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